Much Needed Update

Well, it's been far too long since my last update. The first trimester was (YES, WAS!) exhausting for me. I found it overwhelming to get dressed, and even shower. Thankfully, I'm starting to feel better and I even start a new job on Monday!!

I am 12 weeks 2 days pregnant today! We had an ultrasound for our first trimester screen today and baby is actually measuring 3 days ahead! GROW BEAN GROW!! Chris and his mom both came today since she's a teacher and has the week off from school. It turned out to be a great appointment.. they said the nuchal fold was so thin it was difficult to even measure it which is fabulous! My great uncle had down's syndrome so they would like to do this test even though it would not affect our choice to have this baby.

I think part of my reasoning for not updating my blog was the gut wrenching fear that I would jinx myself and the baby by saying things were going well. At the urging of girls on my boards I am here now to show you all how beautiful bean has gotten and how wonderful this pregnancy has gone especially since the doctors had a "gut feeling" I would miscarry. We're really showing them!!

So here goes.. here is my belly ..

6w3d: 12 weeks even:

and here is Bean... at 12w2d but measuring ahead. :)

Bean is clearly showing you "dis.. is mah toes!"

and here is bean's face profile being dramatic with his/her hand on their forehead.

We are truly blessed and we know this. We know this baby is nothing short of a miracle, and we embrace that. I promise to be more diligent about updating but since I'll be working lots of hours expect an update about once a week with a belly shot and all ;) Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Long time.. lots of updating.

The day after Chris' surgery we were having another u/s and weren't sure if he'd be up to going. Turns out he was DETERMINED to see the bean and he did, in fact, make it. We saw bean's BEAUTIFUL heartbeat.. beating at 129 bpm!! Truly amazing. This baby is a miracle for us, and we know we are blessed.

Baby Bean at 6 weeks...

Baby Bean at 7 weeks....

We have told all of our friends/family at this point and the general concensus is excitement. We told my step mother last night and although she was shocked at first and after explaination she was super excited and even expressed interest in being in the delivery room. We're very happy but cautiously so. Some of our friends who were due the same week suffered a terrible loss of their pregnancy last week and that really hits home. I'm keeping them in our thoughts and prayers along with our own little one.

Pregnancy is much different than I imagined. I'm more than excited to have a life growing inside of me, but it is draining. Today i'm suffering from some sort of head cold/infection. I'm sick, I'm not sleeping well, and this baby just drains my energy. I truly hope I'm feeling significantly more awake and energetic when I start work in a few weeks. Right now our upcoming appointments include another ultrasound on 4/6 (1 day shy of 9 weeks) and my appointment for cultures, and pap smears and other fun-ness on the 27th. I will try to be better about updating... but I've been feeling like complete crapola so bear with me :)

Nerves

Beta 3/13: 2055.6
Progesterone: 12

Beta 3/15: 4400!
Progesterone: 16

Grow baby grow!

Today has been filled with nerves. Chris had surgery this morning. He had a septoplasty, a turbinate reduction and uvuloplasty. For those of you who don't speak medical jargon that means they went in his nostrils, cut stuff out, re-shaped it and cut off the hangy ball in the back of his throat. This was all done to treat sleep apnea. He had a somewhat mild/moderate case but really would rather have it over and done with. He's bleeding a lot from his nose and has a dressing over it that I'm changing every half hour to 45 minutes. I guess that's a benefit to your girlfriend being a nurse. He seems to be sore but not much pain... he's due for pain meds again in about 45 minutes. The doctor told him the pain will get worse in the next 72 hours. Unfortunately this means that Chris may not get to come with me tomorrow to the ultrasound. Part of me wants him to stay home and be safe, part of me doesn't want him to miss what (hopefully) will be an important day, part of me doesn't want him to be home alone, and part of me knows if we get bad news that I don't want him to be having to ride in the car, etc. It has been a nervewracking day.

It's hard for me. I think I read too much into things. The message a nurse from my dr's office left on my voicemail today said "just want to make sure you know the signs/symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy." Why won't they even PRETEND to have hope? I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's difficult given our position. I don't think Chris will feel like he can breathe easily until we see a heartbeat. He was so heartbroken when they told us this baby wasn't going to make it. I just hope tomorrow if he can't come that when I get home I'll have pictures to show him of "baby bean". I'm going to pray more tonight.. for us.. for this baby, for our family... and hope that God knows what's right. This baby is a blessing to us... I just pray we get to meet him/her and tell them this in person.

The Power of Prayer

So at my last update, the doctor had labeled this a miscarriage. My level was 405 and my D&C was scheduled for today Friday the 13th. On Wednesday the nurse called with my beta level and told me "756" I sat there with my mouth agape. That's more than 85% increase. I asked her what the next step was and she said "probably the same thing" meaning my D&C was still on. I told her no thanks and asked her to cancel it. My progesterone had dropped from 22 to 8.7 to 7.9. I asked Dr. T to call in progesterone suppositories for me just in case. Over the next 48 hours I had a million thoughts run through my head. Dr. T still thought it would be a miscarriage but wouldn't do a D&C because he couldn't rule out that it still might be a viable pregnancy. SOO.. more bloodwork was ordered for today.
We have had people all over the world praying for us. CYC/NEBYC/YLC people, people from my message boards, complete strangers, friends, and family. I have prayed harder for this baby than I've ever prayed in my entire life. Not only did I pray to god, but I also asked my dad to help. He knows how much I've always wanted to be a mother and how appropriate would it have been for him to also have a hand in this?

So today I waited around with knots in my stomach waiting for 1:30pm to roll around. At just after noon, the phone rang, I was SHOCKED. It is lunchtime at the office so why would they be calling? The nurse on the other end asked how I was doing, and I told her okay. She proceeded with "well, the numbers are going up" and I waited. Up could have been 1000 or even 800. So I sucked it up and asked the question. "What was the level?" She answered..... 2055.8. That is more than doubling!!!!!!!!!!!! The power of prayer is amazing. My progesterone level is up to 12 which is better since I've been using the progesterone supplements. Please keep praying! We are ecstatic, but cautiously so. We're hoping for the best but preparing for the worst... our ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday and we are hoping to see a sac and maybe a baby bean... please keep your fingers crossed! GROW BABY GROW!!!

So true...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


.......Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.

I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,What I'd give up!

I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."



Thank you to Jamie for sharing this with me. <3

The Waiting Game

Today was awful. I didn't get to talk to my own doctor because he is out of the office, but the nurse spoke with one of the other doctors in the practice whom I also know from my internship. She agrees that this isn't an ectopic pregnancy, but also says she believes it is, indeed, a miscarriage. My numbers are barely rising, and my progesterone has plummeted. Today I started with some serious cramping. Lots of discomfort, no bleeding. It makes me wonder if this nightmare is beginning. I have to go back tomorrow for more bloodwork just to double check my numbers, and possibly schedule a D&C . The benefit to having a D&C versus a regular natural miscarriage is, as barbaric as it sounds, the removed tissue can be sent for testing to find out if it was a chromosomal disorder, or a clotting factor problem, etc. A D&C would mean we needed to wait two cycles to try again.

They would put me out for the procedure and I would go home later that day. A natural miscarriage is just that. It is unknown when it could/would start. Could be days, weeks, etc. I just don't think I can walk around for three weeks not knowing when it was going to happen, and with a D&C we would also get some answers.

Unfortunately this happened at an awful time. Chris is going in for surgery on his nose and throat on monday. He is going to be out of commission for about a week so we need to make sure I will be able to drive him to surgery and he will be able to drive me to the D&C. It's just always bad timing. I'm praying that this is all in vain and that we won't need to worry about it all, but I'm also trying to be realistic.

My pregnancy symptoms are really starting to show up. I'm a little nauseous, my breasts are swollen and sore, I'm retaining fluids. It just hurts that I am getting all these symptoms but will never get to meet the little person in my womb who is creating it all. I have some hope that maybe tomorrow's numbers will show some drastic increase, but I'm trying to be realistic. The past results combined with today's change in pain, and cramps. At this point I've got to just let go and let god.

Life is Cruel

Just when you're handed your dream come true.. someone comes along and rips it apart. The doctor just called and my beta went from 385 to 405 and my progesterone dropped to 8. This means that our baby isn't going to make it. It means that any day now my body is going to start the process of the miscarriage and all my worst nightmares have come true. I had never seen Chris cry until tonight, and it was a truly humbling experience. We wanted this baby more than anything in the world. People who have no right having children pop them out left and right and we are two genuinely loving people who want a family and just keep getting slapped in the face. I don't know how I'll recover from this honestly.. I don't know if I will. I need time.. a lot of time. Time spent away from people I love who have children, away from happy stories of pregnancy. Just when I was so excited I got to join a due date club, I had to bow out and delete everything. My pregnancy ticker, my "due in november" blinkie. Just everything. I want so much to just keep this baby growing in me but know it's not a reality. My heart is beyond broken. I can't imagine what I did in life that was so awful that I deserve all this. I just don't get it....