Everybody's workin for the weekend...

So I started a new job this week.. basically I work 7a-5p Monday thru Friday. I work at an OB/GYN office which is fabulous. Things are going well, it's just a big adjustment for me. I miss Chris, I miss the dogs, but hey.. this is life.

The other new thing this week is feeling bean move. It is nothing like people tell me. A lot of girls on my message board said it feels like flutters, or a balloon touching your belly. Nope, not my baby.. hahaha. I went to bend over to pick something up from under my desk and this baby went NUTS. Tossing and turning and rolling.. he/she was NOT happy with the situation. So I sat back and laughed. One of our docs walked by and asked what was going on. I told her that although people say it's like flutters.. this baby punches/kicks. I explained it to her and she said "Then YUP.. that's the baby" :) It is truly amazing to feel this baby move, we are truly blessed. I've been consistently finding the heartbeat on the doppler I have here at home and have only been using it once a week because that is also on the list of things the bean does not like... but tough! ;)

Last night was date night since I worked like a slave all week. We did the Cheesecake Factory for dinner, it was delish. Too bad at 8:30pm on the drive home I was already passing out sitting up in the car. We got home, and I went right to sleep. It totally kills your weekends when you're so exhausted you just crave your pillow and bed. I know that things will get better and in about six months, I will have the ability to stay home with bean, and honestly I couldn't ask for anything more.

So today's update is that we are doing well, things are going great, and we are moving through our fourth month of pregnancy. Althought I do love being pregnant now, I really can't wait to meet this little person I'm growing in my womb.

Much Needed Update

Well, it's been far too long since my last update. The first trimester was (YES, WAS!) exhausting for me. I found it overwhelming to get dressed, and even shower. Thankfully, I'm starting to feel better and I even start a new job on Monday!!

I am 12 weeks 2 days pregnant today! We had an ultrasound for our first trimester screen today and baby is actually measuring 3 days ahead! GROW BEAN GROW!! Chris and his mom both came today since she's a teacher and has the week off from school. It turned out to be a great appointment.. they said the nuchal fold was so thin it was difficult to even measure it which is fabulous! My great uncle had down's syndrome so they would like to do this test even though it would not affect our choice to have this baby.

I think part of my reasoning for not updating my blog was the gut wrenching fear that I would jinx myself and the baby by saying things were going well. At the urging of girls on my boards I am here now to show you all how beautiful bean has gotten and how wonderful this pregnancy has gone especially since the doctors had a "gut feeling" I would miscarry. We're really showing them!!

So here goes.. here is my belly ..

6w3d: 12 weeks even:

and here is Bean... at 12w2d but measuring ahead. :)

Bean is clearly showing you "dis.. is mah toes!"

and here is bean's face profile being dramatic with his/her hand on their forehead.

We are truly blessed and we know this. We know this baby is nothing short of a miracle, and we embrace that. I promise to be more diligent about updating but since I'll be working lots of hours expect an update about once a week with a belly shot and all ;) Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers!

Long time.. lots of updating.

The day after Chris' surgery we were having another u/s and weren't sure if he'd be up to going. Turns out he was DETERMINED to see the bean and he did, in fact, make it. We saw bean's BEAUTIFUL heartbeat.. beating at 129 bpm!! Truly amazing. This baby is a miracle for us, and we know we are blessed.

Baby Bean at 6 weeks...

Baby Bean at 7 weeks....

We have told all of our friends/family at this point and the general concensus is excitement. We told my step mother last night and although she was shocked at first and after explaination she was super excited and even expressed interest in being in the delivery room. We're very happy but cautiously so. Some of our friends who were due the same week suffered a terrible loss of their pregnancy last week and that really hits home. I'm keeping them in our thoughts and prayers along with our own little one.

Pregnancy is much different than I imagined. I'm more than excited to have a life growing inside of me, but it is draining. Today i'm suffering from some sort of head cold/infection. I'm sick, I'm not sleeping well, and this baby just drains my energy. I truly hope I'm feeling significantly more awake and energetic when I start work in a few weeks. Right now our upcoming appointments include another ultrasound on 4/6 (1 day shy of 9 weeks) and my appointment for cultures, and pap smears and other fun-ness on the 27th. I will try to be better about updating... but I've been feeling like complete crapola so bear with me :)

Nerves

Beta 3/13: 2055.6
Progesterone: 12

Beta 3/15: 4400!
Progesterone: 16

Grow baby grow!

Today has been filled with nerves. Chris had surgery this morning. He had a septoplasty, a turbinate reduction and uvuloplasty. For those of you who don't speak medical jargon that means they went in his nostrils, cut stuff out, re-shaped it and cut off the hangy ball in the back of his throat. This was all done to treat sleep apnea. He had a somewhat mild/moderate case but really would rather have it over and done with. He's bleeding a lot from his nose and has a dressing over it that I'm changing every half hour to 45 minutes. I guess that's a benefit to your girlfriend being a nurse. He seems to be sore but not much pain... he's due for pain meds again in about 45 minutes. The doctor told him the pain will get worse in the next 72 hours. Unfortunately this means that Chris may not get to come with me tomorrow to the ultrasound. Part of me wants him to stay home and be safe, part of me doesn't want him to miss what (hopefully) will be an important day, part of me doesn't want him to be home alone, and part of me knows if we get bad news that I don't want him to be having to ride in the car, etc. It has been a nervewracking day.

It's hard for me. I think I read too much into things. The message a nurse from my dr's office left on my voicemail today said "just want to make sure you know the signs/symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy." Why won't they even PRETEND to have hope? I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's difficult given our position. I don't think Chris will feel like he can breathe easily until we see a heartbeat. He was so heartbroken when they told us this baby wasn't going to make it. I just hope tomorrow if he can't come that when I get home I'll have pictures to show him of "baby bean". I'm going to pray more tonight.. for us.. for this baby, for our family... and hope that God knows what's right. This baby is a blessing to us... I just pray we get to meet him/her and tell them this in person.

The Power of Prayer

So at my last update, the doctor had labeled this a miscarriage. My level was 405 and my D&C was scheduled for today Friday the 13th. On Wednesday the nurse called with my beta level and told me "756" I sat there with my mouth agape. That's more than 85% increase. I asked her what the next step was and she said "probably the same thing" meaning my D&C was still on. I told her no thanks and asked her to cancel it. My progesterone had dropped from 22 to 8.7 to 7.9. I asked Dr. T to call in progesterone suppositories for me just in case. Over the next 48 hours I had a million thoughts run through my head. Dr. T still thought it would be a miscarriage but wouldn't do a D&C because he couldn't rule out that it still might be a viable pregnancy. SOO.. more bloodwork was ordered for today.
We have had people all over the world praying for us. CYC/NEBYC/YLC people, people from my message boards, complete strangers, friends, and family. I have prayed harder for this baby than I've ever prayed in my entire life. Not only did I pray to god, but I also asked my dad to help. He knows how much I've always wanted to be a mother and how appropriate would it have been for him to also have a hand in this?

So today I waited around with knots in my stomach waiting for 1:30pm to roll around. At just after noon, the phone rang, I was SHOCKED. It is lunchtime at the office so why would they be calling? The nurse on the other end asked how I was doing, and I told her okay. She proceeded with "well, the numbers are going up" and I waited. Up could have been 1000 or even 800. So I sucked it up and asked the question. "What was the level?" She answered..... 2055.8. That is more than doubling!!!!!!!!!!!! The power of prayer is amazing. My progesterone level is up to 12 which is better since I've been using the progesterone supplements. Please keep praying! We are ecstatic, but cautiously so. We're hoping for the best but preparing for the worst... our ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday and we are hoping to see a sac and maybe a baby bean... please keep your fingers crossed! GROW BABY GROW!!!

So true...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


.......Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.

I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,What I'd give up!

I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."



Thank you to Jamie for sharing this with me. <3

The Waiting Game

Today was awful. I didn't get to talk to my own doctor because he is out of the office, but the nurse spoke with one of the other doctors in the practice whom I also know from my internship. She agrees that this isn't an ectopic pregnancy, but also says she believes it is, indeed, a miscarriage. My numbers are barely rising, and my progesterone has plummeted. Today I started with some serious cramping. Lots of discomfort, no bleeding. It makes me wonder if this nightmare is beginning. I have to go back tomorrow for more bloodwork just to double check my numbers, and possibly schedule a D&C . The benefit to having a D&C versus a regular natural miscarriage is, as barbaric as it sounds, the removed tissue can be sent for testing to find out if it was a chromosomal disorder, or a clotting factor problem, etc. A D&C would mean we needed to wait two cycles to try again.

They would put me out for the procedure and I would go home later that day. A natural miscarriage is just that. It is unknown when it could/would start. Could be days, weeks, etc. I just don't think I can walk around for three weeks not knowing when it was going to happen, and with a D&C we would also get some answers.

Unfortunately this happened at an awful time. Chris is going in for surgery on his nose and throat on monday. He is going to be out of commission for about a week so we need to make sure I will be able to drive him to surgery and he will be able to drive me to the D&C. It's just always bad timing. I'm praying that this is all in vain and that we won't need to worry about it all, but I'm also trying to be realistic.

My pregnancy symptoms are really starting to show up. I'm a little nauseous, my breasts are swollen and sore, I'm retaining fluids. It just hurts that I am getting all these symptoms but will never get to meet the little person in my womb who is creating it all. I have some hope that maybe tomorrow's numbers will show some drastic increase, but I'm trying to be realistic. The past results combined with today's change in pain, and cramps. At this point I've got to just let go and let god.

Life is Cruel

Just when you're handed your dream come true.. someone comes along and rips it apart. The doctor just called and my beta went from 385 to 405 and my progesterone dropped to 8. This means that our baby isn't going to make it. It means that any day now my body is going to start the process of the miscarriage and all my worst nightmares have come true. I had never seen Chris cry until tonight, and it was a truly humbling experience. We wanted this baby more than anything in the world. People who have no right having children pop them out left and right and we are two genuinely loving people who want a family and just keep getting slapped in the face. I don't know how I'll recover from this honestly.. I don't know if I will. I need time.. a lot of time. Time spent away from people I love who have children, away from happy stories of pregnancy. Just when I was so excited I got to join a due date club, I had to bow out and delete everything. My pregnancy ticker, my "due in november" blinkie. Just everything. I want so much to just keep this baby growing in me but know it's not a reality. My heart is beyond broken. I can't imagine what I did in life that was so awful that I deserve all this. I just don't get it....

Just when you think...

That things are going your way, life throws you a curveball. My numbers had been tripling and quadrupling so far and then thursday they told me my numbers barely doubled. They didn't sound concerned so I tried to stay positive. Yesterday (Saturday, 3/7) I went for another beta level and got the phone call around 4:45pm from the Dr. covering for my practice telling me that my numbers barely went up. They went from 357 to 385 in 48 hours. That is not good news. I began to sob and through crying the pain i've been having in my left side became worse. Chris and I headed off to the ER for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They cannot say with certainty that this is not an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound showed a 2cmX1.3cm cyst on my left ovary that they're eyeing. I'm staying positive and praying harder than i've ever prayed in my life. This baby means so much to Chris and I already that my heart is breaking at the mere possibility of this pregnancy not making it. They drew my level last night in the ER and it was 427 but because it was a different hospital they can't say that it actually went up, but if it was accurate.. that means my level increased more in that 7 hours then it did in the prior 48. I'm hoping this is a fluke thing and the baby was too sleepy to grow a lot over those days. I'm grasping at any straw to make this situation better. You'll have to excuse me if I'm not around to update for a few days. We'll see how tomorrow's blood draw goes.
What puzzles me is my progesterone level was 22 last week. That suggests there is something going on in my uterus, and they say that a level over 20 means a less than 1% chance of ectopic pregnancy so what gives?
To add to this downhill spiral, I still haven't heard back from the job I interviewed for. So please, keep Chris, this baby, and I in your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us.

What a DAY!

Friday 2/27. I decided was going to be a pamper me day. I was due to test that morning and in the case of a negative test I knew I'd need some sprucing up. SO! I made a hair and mani/pedi appointment. I woke up that morning and tested.. BFN. no surprise there. I stayed in bed for a while just typing on the computer.. then BAM.. the power went out. So I played solitaire thinking.. WTF.. seriously. Why me.

I got up, and went to the bathroom to throw the test away and as I was going to put it in the trash I thought I might have seen something.. so I took it apart, took pictures, and this is what it looked like..

I thought wow, Beck, you're seriously grasping straws. My friend Jenn encouraged me to call my OB for blood work, even though I felt like a shmoe. I did so, and drove like a bat out of hell to the office almost 40 minutes away to get them drawn. An hour later, they FINALLY took my blood and I was on my way to my hair salon. Earlier that morning a girl on my message board had mentioned she got a BFP on a dollar tree test at 8DPO (I was 9DPO) So I looked up on my GPS where there was a dollar tree and went to snag a test before my hair. I bought that and about 100lbs of candy cause I was so nervous. Off to my hair I went, waiting for my STAT blood results to be in, and I went into the salon bathroom and took the test. I sat down eating my Wendy's Chicken nuggets and almost peed myself. I was CONVINCED there were two lines. I waited and waited for the doctor to call and she finally called and said this....

HCG/Beta: 16.3

Progesterone: 13

This meant.. I wasn't seeing things. I am PREGNANT! I never imagined it would happen so quickly, but I'm more than thankful it has. Since that time I've peed on about 10 sticks.. just to see the lines get darker:

Today I had my second set of bloods drawn (I need bloods every 2 days because of my high risk status due to the 2 previous ectopic pregnancies) the results were great

HCG/Beta: 59

Progesterone: 17

They like to see the HCG double every 48 hours and mine has exceeded that and progesterone anything above 9 is normal but they like to see it at 20. It's still uber early so depending on Tuesdays blood results I may end up on progesterone suppositories. Whatever helps this bean stick, is fine with me!! Thank you all for reading, and keeping up. I'm going to be more diligent about it now that I have good things to write about (or I at least hope!). Thanks for all your blessings and well wishes! I should also add that we are NOT telling family until we see a heartbeat so please keep it to yourselves ;)

Gainful Employment

Seeking gainful employment has been my main focus even BEFORE jerkface RE said so. In fact, the day after our appointment I had an interview at an OB/GYN office about 30 minutes north of here. It went fabulous. It's benefitted at 32 hours and I can work as few or as many hours as I want as long as shifts are covered. 2 weeks vacation, earned time, 8 paid holidays, 401k. I could go on all day. My main jobs would be phone triage, surgical assists, and the occasional IV insertion. I can handle that, no problem. They're also offering me seriously competitive wages. I'm super excited. I wasn't even home for 10 minutes after the interview and they were calling me to ask me to come back this Wednesday to meet the owners of the practice. Keep your fingers crossed that this is it!!!! This would be an ideal job for me.. for us! And.. keep reading. ;)

RE Nightmare

Well I'm quite behind with my updates but things have been crazy here! Last week (2/24) we went to our reproductive endocrinologist.. you know, the one I paid $300 out of pocket just to SCHEDULE? Yes, this one. So prior to going to the appointment Chris and I filled out their 6 page each forms, asking everything you could ever imagine. They had to be in two weeks before the appointment so the doctor could read them and they were in prior to that. Upon walking into the office, it was apparent he wasn't interested in helping us. We're young, and we're not married. In fact, he said.. and I quote "What you should be doing is seeking gainful employment." Little did he know.
He didn't ASK if we could afford it out of pocket, he didn't care really at all. He also informed me that the ultrasound that Dr. G (previous OB) did in September showed clear pockets of adenomyosis in my uterine wall... the exact thing we are trying to prevent. Thrilling. We left upset. Me hurt, and upset, and PISSED. Chris was flat out disgusted. I don't know how people like this can be in that field but Dr. T (current OB) told me that most RE are somewhat like that because they're more scientific than anything.. not so huggable. That's fine.. I'm just glad I have an OB I love.

Ohhh what a beautiful MORRRNING, Ohh what a beautiful DAY!

So here I am.. after a few days absence. I will catch you up with pictures. First of all, Valentine's Day. Chris' birthday was January 6th, and I know how much he DESPISES planning things so I bought him Blue Man Group tickets that were for Valentine's Day, and my sister bought us a PF Chang's gift certificate for Christmas. HOW PERFECT! I had bought a really adorable dress for the cruise and due to intoxicating circumstances we didn't attend the second formal night and the dress never got worn! We decided we would dress up so I could wear that dress. It was chilly, but I lived. To level off the evening, right outside of Chang's is Coldstone Creamery and for those of you who haven't had their ice cream.. tread lightly, I'm fairly certain they put crack in it. I usually get cake batter ice cream with yellow cake and rainbow jimmies, delish! It was overall an amazing evening.. and here is a picture we took. It's ghetto, in-the-parking-garage, freezing but took my coat off anyway, goofy us, self portrait. but I love it :)

That brings us today, and the main reason for my choice of blog title for today. I blogged recently that I've been a crampy mess since CD1 this cycle, well after a very strange dream last night about be having a baby boy, I awoke to no cramps. My bloating felt gone and my abdomen just felt.. different, I really can't explain it. So I temped, it was down a little bit so I didn't think anything of it. Then I went into the bathroom as usual and peed on the almighty monitor stick. As soon as I went to put it in the monitor I noticed two lines appearing.. trying not to get my hopes up, I grabbed the monitor and went back to bed. It takes a while for the mini scientists to evaluate my pee so I like to relax. Then... it happened.

I almost died. Could it seriously be??? A PEAK READING ON THE FERTILITY MONITOR??? I think SO! We BDed last night/early early this morning so that's a great thing. I laid with my feet up for around 40 minutes. But because I'm me, and I'm OCD.. I went upstairs to grab a digital OPK.. I couldn't be happier to report that......

I'm OVULATING!!!!! I really hope this is it. I'm going to take it easy today and bask in the glory of the fact that I actually ovulated, and take each next day as it comes :) Thanks for reading! xox

Ovulation or Overexposure

Hahaha, just a quick post today. It's CD10 for those of you keeping track. That means today starts a BD fest. Every other day til ovulation. Normally a temperature dip means ovulation, but when I awoke this morning, I realized that Christopher had stripped ALL of the king sized sheets and blankets off my body in the middle of the night. He likes to cocoon himself in every inch of them. My temperature was 97.99, but I'm fairly certain it was due to the fact that my flesh was like ice. I'd been exposed to the fan with the heat only at 60. Either way, I made sure we covered our bases just in case! Hope you all are having a fabulous week... Valentine's Day is coming!!

Cramptastic Voyage

I'm a charting fool first of all. For those of you familiar.. stalk my chart here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/rebeccar
For those of you unfamiliar, let me explain in gory painstaking detail. Every morning at 7:30am my alarm goes off to take my temp. I don't need to be up at that hour, but your basal body temperature needs to be taken when you first wake up, before you pee.. move.. or do anything. So I decided 7:30am was appropriate because it's earlier than I'd normally wake up (this is before hormonal medications.. now I wake up at whacked out hours) so I'd just be waking up.
The oh-so-entertaining part of temping for me is that I am a mouth breather at night a lot of times, which means my temperature can't accurately be obtained in my mouth. Therefore I take my temp vaginally every morning. I must admit to dozing off for a few minutes with the thermometer in there once or twice but it never caused injury ;) On top of temping every morning, I use a clearblue easy fertility monitor. I set it on the first day of my period every cycle, and every day it changes day numbers. According to the previous cycle it will ask me to POAS (Pee On A Stick.. for those of you less informed). I pee on said stick and put the test stick into the monitor. After the microscopic scientists inside evaluate the hormone levels in my urine, it spits out a fertility reading- either low, high, or peak. The *high* reading however sounds misleading. I had a full week of high readings and didn't ovulate one cycle. It just means some hormone increased in your body.
The pretty *peak* reading with the egg symbol is what you're striving for. I've yet to see that symbol. I'm hoping in the next few days I will, however. Maybe for Valentine's Day?? So after I go back to sleep after the battery of morning tests, I wake up (for good this time) and I log onto my chart online and I enter my temperature, my fertility monitor reading, and any symptoms I may be experiencing. This helps the charting software detect if I may be ovulating. The last 9 days have had one thing in common.............. CRAMPS.
I'm a cramp pro. I've battled with endometriosis for 13+ years.. cramps and I are old friends. I've had what's felt like period cramps every day. My bleeding stopped CD4 which is unheard of for me, so I'm hopeful. I've been bloated, crampy, and had major headaches all week, but if this works, it will all be worth it. Normally I'd cramp the day or few days before my period (in the charting world.. it's called AF for Aunt Flo). It feels like I should still be bleeding but I'm not so I can only hope that the cramping is producing a bunch of juicy follicles that will produce eggs and allow us to conceive.
If this doesn't happen we have an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist on February 24th. We finished filling out the lengthy paperwork the other night, and I sent it yesterday. I'm fairly certain the only thing they didn't ask was my shoe size. As I've said before, I'm hopeful, but skeptically so. Please keep your fingers crossed for us.... xox :)

CD4~Clomid day two

Clomid is not exactly up to par with rainbow farting unicorns if you catch my drift. I don't know if it's just an overly uncomfortable cycle, or if this is clomidtastic. I'm crampy, I feel bloated, I just feel... off. A friend of mine who has two blocked tubes and her husband has low motility just got her BFP! I'm so happy for her, and it seems like something is in the water. She's #3 in the online group to get a BFP recently.
I'm doing the pre-ovulational panic. Are we going to BD on the right days? Is this going to be it?? Are we going to have to go through the IUI, or possibly further? I'm trying to stay calm, and positive but you can't help but stress when all the online chatter turns to success.
I guess my big worry is .. great.. clomid will help me ovulate. But what if the only follicles I get are on my right ovary? I don't have a right fallopian tube, so the ovulation will be useless. I guess I just worry too much. The cruise was great for getting my mind off of things but now I'm back to the daily grind. Maybe pictures of the cruise will help? lol.................

orrr.. maybe not. Just reminds me how bitterly cold it is here, and how beautifully warm it was on the islands. I think today is a bubble bath day... I hope tomorrow things feel better. xox

Cruise, Clomid, Cycles, Oh MY!

After spending a blissfull week in the Carribbean, we are back to reality. Our RE appointment is scheduled for February 24th and strangely enough, if I ovulate on time, that would be the first day a HPT would be able to say if I'm pregnant or not. I'm praying that we don't have to go that route, but will take whatever I'm handed.
While on the cruise I was faithful with my OPKs (Ovulation prediction kits) and all returned a negative status which meant I hadn't ovulated. Strangely enough when we returned to solid ground, I missed two days of OPKs (CD20, 21) and started temping again on CD23 and got a CLEARLY post-ovulation temperature of 98.8+ So I did ovulate at some point that cycle and as you might already notice... I made it past day 17 of a cycle!! I had a NORMAL cycle for me this time around. That is 26 days. Now AF is back and I start my first round of clomid tomorrow morning. I hope this is it for us, the misery I've been suffering with the pain is something to write about, but for now I'll save you the horror. Just wanted to update quick, and now that things are back to normal I'll be updating regularly again.... thanks for reading ;)

The Official Results are IN!

I swear that Dr. T is psychic. I was picking up the phone to call him about something and it rang. It was him. Calling to say that my one tube is clear of any obstructions and that I didn't regrow a right tube which is also good. I told him the procedure hurt like hell and he said yeah, some people have that experience. I also expressed my concern about the cost of the RE and he said that sounded a little ridiculous, considering they wouldn't even BOOK the appointment til the $300 was paid. So I opted to do clomid next cycle to make me ovulate, and if that isn't successful I will then have enough money saved to pursue IUI. Either way, this is a step in the right direction. Even the old doctor agreed that I cannot stay in this state much longer without risking the health of my reproductive system. The clomid has been called in and I will pick it up before the cruise next week. Should I have a 17 day cycle again, I will have it available to start taking days 3-7 of next cycle, and if I have an actual ovulatory cycle I will hopefully get pregnant without it.
So to recap, tube is clear, clomid is prescribed. HSGs have a high chance of pregnancy post procedure because a lot of times they blow any tissue out of the tube making it super clear. So let's hope it's either this cycle or next!!

HSG

This morning at about 8:30am I received the call that they had availability to do my HSG but today and today only. I asked about the latest appointment they had and was told 2pm. I booked it late in hopes that Chris could duck out of work early to come with me. Thankfully, this was the case.

After receiving my oh so stylish johnny and robe, I changed.. leaving on my Nike Shox per the nurses request. Strange. I got on the table, and was informed that the plastic speculums were on backorder. OH THE THRILL. The freezing cold metal speculum was the least of the procedure. The breaching my cervix was one of the most awful feelings ever.. until they inflated the catheter balloon in my uterus. I screamed in pain and they proceeded to check placement and inject dye. For approximately three minutes I pondered if death would have been a better situation. To say it was painful is putting it mildly. I nearly broke Chris' fingers while squeezing in pain. Looking back now, I wonder if some of the pain was because the spot they inject and the amount used is for two tubes. I only have one. Possibly the amount of fluid increased the pressure and the scar tissue where my right tube used to be was stretched? Anything is possible but the bottom line is that my one healthy tube is just that... healthy. From what the doctor could tell, it is free of occlusions. Thank the lord for this positive news.

On that note, I feel like someone drove a mack truck through my cervix so I'm going to take it easy.. I'll update as I know more info. xox

The Cost of Infertility

As I sit here tonight thinking about the HSG test this week, I began to think more about cost. Not just financial, but physical and emotional also. Unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover infertility, and the reproductive endocrinologist needs $300 up front just to book my appointment. The cost of the IUI could be close to $10,000 and to be honest, that's $10,000 up front. We don't have that kind of money and because we're not married, his insurance will not cover the costs either. He's going to be scheduling a sperm analysis this week to make sure that his end wont be another obstacle on this road. We attended my god daughter's birthday party today and I catch a lot of flack from her and her family. She's 26 and has two girls (8 and 5) and I'm 26 and have no children. We often dreamed about our children growing up together and now I half joke that by the time I'm able to have children, hers will be old enough to babysit.
For her this journey was easy... they had no difficulty conceiving and have two beautiful healthy children. So to hear her say how it's my turn to have children, hurts. We left there and I haven't said much since. It's disheartening to me to think that teens worldwide get pregnant "accidentally" and here I am struggling.
The truth of the matter is that this is taking an incredible toll on me emotionally and physically. The heavy bleeding every two weeks is extremely painful and draining. I have iron deficiency anemia so the bleeding is making it much worse. I'm always cold, and fatigued.
Emotionally it also hurts. I wanted to do things in the right order.... meet someone, get engaged, buy a house, get married, plan a family. It hurts me more and more that this isn't an option for me anymore. It also hurts that people just assume I'm CHOOSING this route. I get a lot of the "shouldn't you be married first?" sure, we should. Truth is, I really wish this was the case. I think it is just all very overwhelming to me. Sometimes I'm not sure Chris even gets it. I guess that I'm just extremely hormonal and emotional and I'm venting. Afterall, that is why I created this blog. I just wish that for once in my life, something would be easy.

The Beginning

As I begin the main stretch of my journey into motherhood, I felt the need to express my feelings regarding the past four years of my struggle. It hasn't been easy up til now and it won't be easy still looking forward. Without too much back peddling I'd like to share my history, the beginning of my story.
At the age of twelve and the brink of puberty, it was quite apparent that something was abnormal. Although I didn't know the impact of the situation at the time, I knew I was different, and not in a good way. To say that my first period was miserable, was an understatement. I was dismissed from school mid-day and spent the rest of day in bed. This day turned into days, and eventually snowballed into about a week every month. I was bleeding heavily with my cycle, and the pain was really overwhelming. My parents thought it was just new to me and that it would soon prove to be a normal adjustment.
This wasn't the case at all. Middle school was torture and I was accused of exaggerating. I was put on birth control to "help" and although it regulated my cycles, it barely took the edge off of my pain. I would spend many days in school hunched over my desk in pain, and no amount of motrin or midol was helping. Just a year into high school, and living with my father, someone finally listened. It was clear to my father that this wasn't a normal situation. Nearly six days a month I was struggling to get out of bed and move, nevermind attend school. He took me to the doctor and began to ask questions. Only two more cycles in, I was scheduled for a laproscopic surgery to "have a look."
The results of the surgery were this: My suffering wasn't in my head. I had Endometriosis. Most forms of Endometriosis are treatable to a point. The lesions can be removed and there are also hormonal treatments. I was different. My lesions weren't removable, they were microscopic. This was just the beginning of my battle.
Fast forward many (twelve) years later and here I sit. Many years of pain and suffering, two ectopic pregnancies (and one surviving tube) later, I begin my battle with becoming a mother.
According to my doctor approximately four months ago, there was thought that the Endometriosis was getting serious enough that it would invade my uterus, causing Adenomyosis. In my case, this would result in the need for a Hysterectomy (removal of my uterus all together). I was told that my options were to be put into chemical menopause (using Lupron injections) to stall the Endo, then get pregnant, or to take my chances and possibly never have children. If you know me, you know that the latter wasn't an option at all.
I was at a fragile point in my relationship with my boyfriend Chris. Things were fabulous but it was still fairly new to both of us. I weighed my options and decided that if I needed to use a sperm bank to help me conceive that I would do just that. As the months of testing and treatments came along Chris made it clear that he was also a part of this and we were going to embark on this journey together. We'd been living together and things had been (and still are) amazing.
In September and October of 2008 I had injections of Lupron that forced me into chemical menopause. Month 1 was beyond hell. The bleeding and the pain were unlike anything I'd ever experienced. After the hemorrhaging came the hot flashes, and the night sweats. The uncontrollable hunger, the mood swings. I didn't even feel like me. I was reassured by my doctor that this would pass during month two. Not only was he wrong, but the side effects increased. Chris and I decided after the second injection that we would forgo the third and TTC immediately. This proved to be easier said than done.
My last injection was Oct 21st. November came and went and my menstrual cycle was still missing in action. December 7th finally came around and I was overjoyed to see that my period had returned. As instructed I had begun to take my BBT (basal body temperature) every morning upon waking and had started to chart those as well as use a fertility monitor. On day 14 of this cycle I felt crampy but was hopeful that it was ovulation pain. The next morning I awoke to bleeding again. I thought to myself, a fifteen day cycle? There's no way! This period was much heavier than the first and I called my doctor. He assured me that the first period I'd had wasn't a "period" at all. He suspected it was mid cycle bleeding from the Lupron getting out of my system. He's the doctor, and so I trusted his judgement.
I got back to charting and using the monitor, cycle day 17 rolls around and my monitor and temps still aren't detecting ovulation. How could this be?? The next morning, I again awoke to bleeding. This was it, I called my doctor who instructed me to wait at least another month and a half and if I wanted, he'd call in progesterone pills. This made no sense to me given my knowledge as an RN. So I decided to get a second opinion. The doctor I transferred to was a wonderful physician I'd worked with during my internship in Labor and Delivery. I'd seen him and his colleagues all in action and was more than pleased with what I saw and heard.
I had my first appointment with Dr. T on January 9, 2009. After viewing my charts and my bloodwork, he agreed that waiting was the wrong answer. The short cycles were allowing the endometriosis to flare up and become worse every two weeks. He scheduled an HSG for early the next week, and voiced his opinion that at this point, my best option was to see a RE and have trigger shots and IUI to get pregnant as soon as possible. This brings us to today, the beginning of my journey to save my reproductive system and become the mother I have always hoped to be.