Long time.. lots of updating.

The day after Chris' surgery we were having another u/s and weren't sure if he'd be up to going. Turns out he was DETERMINED to see the bean and he did, in fact, make it. We saw bean's BEAUTIFUL heartbeat.. beating at 129 bpm!! Truly amazing. This baby is a miracle for us, and we know we are blessed.

Baby Bean at 6 weeks...

Baby Bean at 7 weeks....

We have told all of our friends/family at this point and the general concensus is excitement. We told my step mother last night and although she was shocked at first and after explaination she was super excited and even expressed interest in being in the delivery room. We're very happy but cautiously so. Some of our friends who were due the same week suffered a terrible loss of their pregnancy last week and that really hits home. I'm keeping them in our thoughts and prayers along with our own little one.

Pregnancy is much different than I imagined. I'm more than excited to have a life growing inside of me, but it is draining. Today i'm suffering from some sort of head cold/infection. I'm sick, I'm not sleeping well, and this baby just drains my energy. I truly hope I'm feeling significantly more awake and energetic when I start work in a few weeks. Right now our upcoming appointments include another ultrasound on 4/6 (1 day shy of 9 weeks) and my appointment for cultures, and pap smears and other fun-ness on the 27th. I will try to be better about updating... but I've been feeling like complete crapola so bear with me :)

Nerves

Beta 3/13: 2055.6
Progesterone: 12

Beta 3/15: 4400!
Progesterone: 16

Grow baby grow!

Today has been filled with nerves. Chris had surgery this morning. He had a septoplasty, a turbinate reduction and uvuloplasty. For those of you who don't speak medical jargon that means they went in his nostrils, cut stuff out, re-shaped it and cut off the hangy ball in the back of his throat. This was all done to treat sleep apnea. He had a somewhat mild/moderate case but really would rather have it over and done with. He's bleeding a lot from his nose and has a dressing over it that I'm changing every half hour to 45 minutes. I guess that's a benefit to your girlfriend being a nurse. He seems to be sore but not much pain... he's due for pain meds again in about 45 minutes. The doctor told him the pain will get worse in the next 72 hours. Unfortunately this means that Chris may not get to come with me tomorrow to the ultrasound. Part of me wants him to stay home and be safe, part of me doesn't want him to miss what (hopefully) will be an important day, part of me doesn't want him to be home alone, and part of me knows if we get bad news that I don't want him to be having to ride in the car, etc. It has been a nervewracking day.

It's hard for me. I think I read too much into things. The message a nurse from my dr's office left on my voicemail today said "just want to make sure you know the signs/symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy." Why won't they even PRETEND to have hope? I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but it's difficult given our position. I don't think Chris will feel like he can breathe easily until we see a heartbeat. He was so heartbroken when they told us this baby wasn't going to make it. I just hope tomorrow if he can't come that when I get home I'll have pictures to show him of "baby bean". I'm going to pray more tonight.. for us.. for this baby, for our family... and hope that God knows what's right. This baby is a blessing to us... I just pray we get to meet him/her and tell them this in person.

The Power of Prayer

So at my last update, the doctor had labeled this a miscarriage. My level was 405 and my D&C was scheduled for today Friday the 13th. On Wednesday the nurse called with my beta level and told me "756" I sat there with my mouth agape. That's more than 85% increase. I asked her what the next step was and she said "probably the same thing" meaning my D&C was still on. I told her no thanks and asked her to cancel it. My progesterone had dropped from 22 to 8.7 to 7.9. I asked Dr. T to call in progesterone suppositories for me just in case. Over the next 48 hours I had a million thoughts run through my head. Dr. T still thought it would be a miscarriage but wouldn't do a D&C because he couldn't rule out that it still might be a viable pregnancy. SOO.. more bloodwork was ordered for today.
We have had people all over the world praying for us. CYC/NEBYC/YLC people, people from my message boards, complete strangers, friends, and family. I have prayed harder for this baby than I've ever prayed in my entire life. Not only did I pray to god, but I also asked my dad to help. He knows how much I've always wanted to be a mother and how appropriate would it have been for him to also have a hand in this?

So today I waited around with knots in my stomach waiting for 1:30pm to roll around. At just after noon, the phone rang, I was SHOCKED. It is lunchtime at the office so why would they be calling? The nurse on the other end asked how I was doing, and I told her okay. She proceeded with "well, the numbers are going up" and I waited. Up could have been 1000 or even 800. So I sucked it up and asked the question. "What was the level?" She answered..... 2055.8. That is more than doubling!!!!!!!!!!!! The power of prayer is amazing. My progesterone level is up to 12 which is better since I've been using the progesterone supplements. Please keep praying! We are ecstatic, but cautiously so. We're hoping for the best but preparing for the worst... our ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday and we are hoping to see a sac and maybe a baby bean... please keep your fingers crossed! GROW BABY GROW!!!

So true...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ


.......Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.

I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,What I'd give up!

I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."



Thank you to Jamie for sharing this with me. <3

The Waiting Game

Today was awful. I didn't get to talk to my own doctor because he is out of the office, but the nurse spoke with one of the other doctors in the practice whom I also know from my internship. She agrees that this isn't an ectopic pregnancy, but also says she believes it is, indeed, a miscarriage. My numbers are barely rising, and my progesterone has plummeted. Today I started with some serious cramping. Lots of discomfort, no bleeding. It makes me wonder if this nightmare is beginning. I have to go back tomorrow for more bloodwork just to double check my numbers, and possibly schedule a D&C . The benefit to having a D&C versus a regular natural miscarriage is, as barbaric as it sounds, the removed tissue can be sent for testing to find out if it was a chromosomal disorder, or a clotting factor problem, etc. A D&C would mean we needed to wait two cycles to try again.

They would put me out for the procedure and I would go home later that day. A natural miscarriage is just that. It is unknown when it could/would start. Could be days, weeks, etc. I just don't think I can walk around for three weeks not knowing when it was going to happen, and with a D&C we would also get some answers.

Unfortunately this happened at an awful time. Chris is going in for surgery on his nose and throat on monday. He is going to be out of commission for about a week so we need to make sure I will be able to drive him to surgery and he will be able to drive me to the D&C. It's just always bad timing. I'm praying that this is all in vain and that we won't need to worry about it all, but I'm also trying to be realistic.

My pregnancy symptoms are really starting to show up. I'm a little nauseous, my breasts are swollen and sore, I'm retaining fluids. It just hurts that I am getting all these symptoms but will never get to meet the little person in my womb who is creating it all. I have some hope that maybe tomorrow's numbers will show some drastic increase, but I'm trying to be realistic. The past results combined with today's change in pain, and cramps. At this point I've got to just let go and let god.

Life is Cruel

Just when you're handed your dream come true.. someone comes along and rips it apart. The doctor just called and my beta went from 385 to 405 and my progesterone dropped to 8. This means that our baby isn't going to make it. It means that any day now my body is going to start the process of the miscarriage and all my worst nightmares have come true. I had never seen Chris cry until tonight, and it was a truly humbling experience. We wanted this baby more than anything in the world. People who have no right having children pop them out left and right and we are two genuinely loving people who want a family and just keep getting slapped in the face. I don't know how I'll recover from this honestly.. I don't know if I will. I need time.. a lot of time. Time spent away from people I love who have children, away from happy stories of pregnancy. Just when I was so excited I got to join a due date club, I had to bow out and delete everything. My pregnancy ticker, my "due in november" blinkie. Just everything. I want so much to just keep this baby growing in me but know it's not a reality. My heart is beyond broken. I can't imagine what I did in life that was so awful that I deserve all this. I just don't get it....

Just when you think...

That things are going your way, life throws you a curveball. My numbers had been tripling and quadrupling so far and then thursday they told me my numbers barely doubled. They didn't sound concerned so I tried to stay positive. Yesterday (Saturday, 3/7) I went for another beta level and got the phone call around 4:45pm from the Dr. covering for my practice telling me that my numbers barely went up. They went from 357 to 385 in 48 hours. That is not good news. I began to sob and through crying the pain i've been having in my left side became worse. Chris and I headed off to the ER for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They cannot say with certainty that this is not an ectopic pregnancy. The ultrasound showed a 2cmX1.3cm cyst on my left ovary that they're eyeing. I'm staying positive and praying harder than i've ever prayed in my life. This baby means so much to Chris and I already that my heart is breaking at the mere possibility of this pregnancy not making it. They drew my level last night in the ER and it was 427 but because it was a different hospital they can't say that it actually went up, but if it was accurate.. that means my level increased more in that 7 hours then it did in the prior 48. I'm hoping this is a fluke thing and the baby was too sleepy to grow a lot over those days. I'm grasping at any straw to make this situation better. You'll have to excuse me if I'm not around to update for a few days. We'll see how tomorrow's blood draw goes.
What puzzles me is my progesterone level was 22 last week. That suggests there is something going on in my uterus, and they say that a level over 20 means a less than 1% chance of ectopic pregnancy so what gives?
To add to this downhill spiral, I still haven't heard back from the job I interviewed for. So please, keep Chris, this baby, and I in your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us.

What a DAY!

Friday 2/27. I decided was going to be a pamper me day. I was due to test that morning and in the case of a negative test I knew I'd need some sprucing up. SO! I made a hair and mani/pedi appointment. I woke up that morning and tested.. BFN. no surprise there. I stayed in bed for a while just typing on the computer.. then BAM.. the power went out. So I played solitaire thinking.. WTF.. seriously. Why me.

I got up, and went to the bathroom to throw the test away and as I was going to put it in the trash I thought I might have seen something.. so I took it apart, took pictures, and this is what it looked like..

I thought wow, Beck, you're seriously grasping straws. My friend Jenn encouraged me to call my OB for blood work, even though I felt like a shmoe. I did so, and drove like a bat out of hell to the office almost 40 minutes away to get them drawn. An hour later, they FINALLY took my blood and I was on my way to my hair salon. Earlier that morning a girl on my message board had mentioned she got a BFP on a dollar tree test at 8DPO (I was 9DPO) So I looked up on my GPS where there was a dollar tree and went to snag a test before my hair. I bought that and about 100lbs of candy cause I was so nervous. Off to my hair I went, waiting for my STAT blood results to be in, and I went into the salon bathroom and took the test. I sat down eating my Wendy's Chicken nuggets and almost peed myself. I was CONVINCED there were two lines. I waited and waited for the doctor to call and she finally called and said this....

HCG/Beta: 16.3

Progesterone: 13

This meant.. I wasn't seeing things. I am PREGNANT! I never imagined it would happen so quickly, but I'm more than thankful it has. Since that time I've peed on about 10 sticks.. just to see the lines get darker:

Today I had my second set of bloods drawn (I need bloods every 2 days because of my high risk status due to the 2 previous ectopic pregnancies) the results were great

HCG/Beta: 59

Progesterone: 17

They like to see the HCG double every 48 hours and mine has exceeded that and progesterone anything above 9 is normal but they like to see it at 20. It's still uber early so depending on Tuesdays blood results I may end up on progesterone suppositories. Whatever helps this bean stick, is fine with me!! Thank you all for reading, and keeping up. I'm going to be more diligent about it now that I have good things to write about (or I at least hope!). Thanks for all your blessings and well wishes! I should also add that we are NOT telling family until we see a heartbeat so please keep it to yourselves ;)

Gainful Employment

Seeking gainful employment has been my main focus even BEFORE jerkface RE said so. In fact, the day after our appointment I had an interview at an OB/GYN office about 30 minutes north of here. It went fabulous. It's benefitted at 32 hours and I can work as few or as many hours as I want as long as shifts are covered. 2 weeks vacation, earned time, 8 paid holidays, 401k. I could go on all day. My main jobs would be phone triage, surgical assists, and the occasional IV insertion. I can handle that, no problem. They're also offering me seriously competitive wages. I'm super excited. I wasn't even home for 10 minutes after the interview and they were calling me to ask me to come back this Wednesday to meet the owners of the practice. Keep your fingers crossed that this is it!!!! This would be an ideal job for me.. for us! And.. keep reading. ;)

RE Nightmare

Well I'm quite behind with my updates but things have been crazy here! Last week (2/24) we went to our reproductive endocrinologist.. you know, the one I paid $300 out of pocket just to SCHEDULE? Yes, this one. So prior to going to the appointment Chris and I filled out their 6 page each forms, asking everything you could ever imagine. They had to be in two weeks before the appointment so the doctor could read them and they were in prior to that. Upon walking into the office, it was apparent he wasn't interested in helping us. We're young, and we're not married. In fact, he said.. and I quote "What you should be doing is seeking gainful employment." Little did he know.
He didn't ASK if we could afford it out of pocket, he didn't care really at all. He also informed me that the ultrasound that Dr. G (previous OB) did in September showed clear pockets of adenomyosis in my uterine wall... the exact thing we are trying to prevent. Thrilling. We left upset. Me hurt, and upset, and PISSED. Chris was flat out disgusted. I don't know how people like this can be in that field but Dr. T (current OB) told me that most RE are somewhat like that because they're more scientific than anything.. not so huggable. That's fine.. I'm just glad I have an OB I love.